Blagh, it's October! And with the coming of a new month is some news.

--> My English book, which had a picture of Musaboro struggling against peanut butter meant for UNJ, got drenched in the rain while walking to school on Monday. :c Damn angled downpour! This saddens me deeply... however, I'll just have to draw a new sketch (and get myself a new notebook).

--> I can't anything do right because... pickles. [thank you, Spongebob]

--> Due to a problem I caused and some miscommunication, I will not be poking around the Goemon Club anymore. Don't worry because the club has been returned to the rightful owner, which I honestly think is for the best. Especially knowing that I made the bad decision that sort of set a domino effect into motion between me and a fellow Mon-fan, I don't object to the shift in leadership. I'm still sorry for the trouble I caused, but what's done is done, and there's nothing really left to do but to move on and learn from my mistake. These last couple of weeks, I have had the chance to think hard and pin down some things about me that I need to change - but that's a different story! All I know is, every experience, good or bad, is a learning experience, and this really got me thinking. I'm grateful for that.

Anyway, you might be wondering what the heck I mentioned all that for - not for pity, no, and ESPECIALLY not for anyone to get involved. Things are settled. This message is just to let my buddies know that I'll be spending all my time on this account from now on (unless I get around to using that ZantetsukenisBurning account that's been gathering dust), and a brief, suitably vague explanation as to why. I don't need to say any more about the situation because there really isn't anything left, and I don't want to create any tension or ill-will by divulging in pointless details. It's between me and the other person, after all, though it makes more sense now to say 'it was'. I resent nothing and no one, honestly. I just needed to get this off my chest so it wouldn't feel like I'm holding some big secret, and I'll be bumping this journal off soon enough.

As a big, much-appreciated favour to me and to the other person involved, I kindly ask you (in general) that you don't bug anyone and/or dig up this up now that I'm burying it - I hope from this point to quit thinking obsessively about how I should have done things differently. The club's going to be as great a Mon-centric place for its members as it ever was, and that's what matters in the end.

--> The connective tissue between my upper and lower set of teeth really hurts... it bugs me when I chew, and when I swallow as well. I'd describe it as 'sharp, rusty, extremely achy soreness'. It's been going on for a couple of days, too. Anyone ever experience something like this? I'm a little scared about it.

--> So what are all of you guys going as at Halloween? Any plans whatsoever?

--> My French professor is, in the words of Bigwig, a 'crack-brained slavedriver'. Well, okay, I'm not sure about the former, but the general consensus of the class is that she is condescending and intimidating. A classmate I talked to agreed that our insides twist up like wet rags when she steps into the room at nine in the morning. Times like this, I really doubt whether I can satisfy all the requirements for my French minor - I feel so utterly crappy when I get something back that I really tried on, only to find it's full of squiggly marks in red pen. It's disheartening and I can't help but feel thoroughly dumb even though I somehow made it this far. Boop.

Alright, enough about me. How are you guys doing?

Wishing you all the best,

'Mon (ster)

Sorry about that. :/ Just wanted to forge on ahead and stop letting my mind go round and round in circles.

As school is really starting to pick up and I am as forgetful as ever, I mean to keep a "to-do list" as to remember silly requests (thanks !) and other little projects. I honestly hope I can get through everything I put down - can't say if I'll do so in a timely manner, either, but I can hope.

To Do List - (In no particular order)

Doodle for G14
Musaboro vs. Peanut butter (For UNJ)
An entry under fanfiction
Finish picture of Musaboro eating my pencil
Arrange a Montest
At least one serious Mon pic
Something for Halloween?

For those of you still in some sort of school, all the best with your assignments and projects; for everyone else (you lucky people, you), take care and thanks!

I was up most of the night wondering if anyone else has ever told themselves, "I never want to become like so-and-so [insert member of family here]", and ended up acting just like them, without much explanation. There are times when I do things on an impulse - it doesn't seem like me at all - and then seriously regret it afterwards - too bad time can't go backwards. I'd honestly make that my superpower if I had a choice.

Sometimes I catch myself behaving in the way my dad would, and other times, it just goes right by me; only after an incident, online or offline, does intense self-awareness really begin to sink in, in these cases.

It's weird when my dad's 'do-unto-others' mentality (this applying not to good things that have been done to me, but the less happy experiences) kicks in - because I've also got my mom's intense sensitivity. Guilt and fear are intense and common feelings for me, and I've come to realize over the years that I honestly have a phobia of people being angry at me - the thought of it and knowing it literally makes me shake and feel cold. Still, that doesn't usually help me catch myself in the middle of a bad decision...

An example that seems to echo over and over: I've sent my brother four long e-mails the past few weeks asking him all sorts of things, and he hasn't responded to any one of them. So, lately, I just felt that I haven't had the energy to type up another one because his responses tend to be very brief and I don't appreciate him not getting back to me and not explaining his absence.

I told my dad about the situation and he said, let him wait. When in a place/state of irritation, I can easily say, "Fair enough, I will". But when I sit and think longer on things - and after last night - I'm especially sensitive to the fact that this isn't the way to approach things. Even if my brother has no clue as to why I'm ticked, I should just swallow it back as I tend to do and go ahead with things as if I never felt miffed. In the end, I think exercising tolerance and passivity in the face of anger, while being difficult for me to pull off, is probably the best way I can sidestep big confrontations and the like. I'd always want to let people know how I'm feeling, but when I'm upset, I have this natural pulling-back-punches mechanism where I'm completely guilty and afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. I'm not sure when anger repression became a defense mechanism, but it's not helpful to me in the situations I find myself in. I don't want to turn people away with the intensity of honest feelings, but I also don't to sit and let things stew (which seems like the norm). I'm always guilty about my anger - it's a bit like being Harvey Dent on the first Batman animated series, sans freak accident.

My dad can hurt people and easily let it go - but, I can't. It's a double-edged sword, but in the end, I think I'm happier with it than without it.

In any case, I just hope that there's some way of changing/reprogramming my 'default behaviour' when experiencing different levels of anger, so I don't end up acting in a way that I regret - either because it hurts me or someone else. It happens on occasion and I just can't shrug off these things. I suppose I envy the people who can sleep deeply after an emotionally upsetting incident - but I'm not sure if I'd want to dust my hands easily of things like that either.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts and questions I put forth, not expecting any sort of answer but one I find out by myself. No need for replies - thanks. I need to do some research.

So here's just a little heads up for those of you who have followed my previous journal:

The Lupin III Fanfiction Appreciation Community (LtTFAC)- what a mouthful - is underway. I've used Freewebs as my host and a pre-made template as, alas, my HTML knowledge has all drifted from my head. Things are looking quite plain and there's enough to iron out. So far, I've only uploaded two fanfiction (both of which are mine,) but they took long enough - I foresee a MAJOR problem in the future with uploading much longer fiction. Here's why.

The weird thing is whenever and wherever I copy and paste writing from, be it in a WORD document or off one of my deviation pages, whenever I paste it into the box means for the Fanfiction submissions (which are archived in blog format), the format will go wonky. Quotation marks and dashes will become question marks, spacing between paragraphs will be screwy, and within every sentence, there will be two, or three words that are stuck together and need to be spaced apart. Needless to say, uploading these things is extremely cumbersome because of these problems. Multi-chaptered fanfiction are great, but if I have to go through literally every line like an editor, fixing things that used to be just fine, I'll go mad. I can't appreciate a story when formatting issues distract me like that.

I don't think there's anything I can really do about that, and I certainly don't want to retype submitted work by hand right in that dang submission box. Though it would be easier, I also wouldn't want to limit the fanfiction on this site ONLY to one-shots for the sake of convenience. Dang.

There has to be another way, but I've honestly tried.

In another story, I was biking through a ravine two hours before sunset on Sunday, and had a spill when my wheel found a rut between the pavement and the overgrown grass. Guess which one I fell over? But yeah, though I feel really sore, nothing has been broken. I also met a friendly neighbour in the process. The only issue is that the convention is on Friday and I feel like a sack of old bones. At least my knee's growing back some skin, and the swelling in my upper lip is down. Whoop. So yeah, it's all good, minus the part about my left arm and that side of my chest absorbing most of the impact. It feels really awkward, as you can imagine.

Well, at least this little experience will serve me well when it comes to writing about some wacky situation Goemon's in. No, he doesn't fall off his bike (I'd worry about his hakama pant-legs getting caught in the spokes of the wheel, though), but... you know him. Something's bound to happen. And since I haven't been rattled like this in a year or two, it's a nice refresher course in the art of pain. XD

I'm kidding, the bike accident wasn't that bad. Adrenaline and endorphins are especially awesome. I hope my convalescence takes a shortcut - c'mon, body, hurryhurryhurry!

It's not too often when I make more than one journal, but, I'm irritated enough to feel compelled to write this. (Oh, and there's a completely random edit on the bottom of the page.)

Rant Warning: If you don't want to sit through a rant, then don't. Please note that this is, unsurprisingly, a Lupin-relevant rant, too. Also note that there will be a lot of drunken-esque redundancy here. Thoughts are scrambled.

Okay. Here is something I wrote earlier on the subject of fanfiction.

"Let's face it; with just about any series, the fan-art earns much more attention than the fan-writing, and it's not hard to guess why. I don't think it's only a result of the TL;DR epidemic, though that is a problem; most people will agree that it's just simpler and more convenient to look at a picture rather than to rely on similes and metaphors on a page to develop a story in one's mind.

Then there's also the situation where some fanfiction are written in a rush, without consideration for punctuation and being faithful to the character. We all must have seen something that has made us cringe at some point. "LULZGOIMANZ." Those make the heads of fans spin, and in some cases, turn them away from the series entirely (which is always a shame).

But, I'm being obvious. Though I draw, sometimes I find I can express my thoughts much more clearly in writing, moreso when limitations in my skill prevent me from effectively executing my ideas. I'm one of those folks who take writing seriously and who look for validation, which is one of the hardest things to find. I've spoken to fellow writers who also aren't sure whether it's worse to receive no comments on a piece of work, or something brief, irrelevant or ignorant, like 'LOLHAWT.' I'll take anything I can get these days, but sometimes, you can't help but wonder if someone is reading deeply, and if you have reached out to them and sparked something in some small way. That's worth everything to me, personally - because after a while, writing for myself isn't enough.
"

This sets the mood for what I mean to say/do. I'm considering to make a club for the posting and discussion of Lupin fanfiction - not crackfics, or the fanfics authors don't bother to proofread (I'm sure we've read some with wonky punctuation and unexplained smut,) but the ones that are in-character, and aren't all about shipping. When an author's enthusiasm for a fandom lies only or mainly with its pairings (I'm not saying everyone thinks this way, mind you,) I feel it's as if they're just viewing the characters as pretty little dolls to play with and show off on a shelf and they're missing the bigger picture.

Anyway, I love art, and doodling's great fun, but I don't only want to be seen for that. As mentioned before, I seek validation, and I think any person who has a serious passion for writing aches for meaningful comments that reflect that a person at least read what you wrote on a level deeper than 'Cool'. Worse is when someone reads what you write and demonstrates a lack of basic comprehension by questioning something in the plot that's very straightforward.

I'm not asking you to hurry off and find my work right now, commenting just because you feel awkwardly obligated to do so. That would be missing the point, and besides, I honestly hate a lot of my old work here. I am working on tweaking my style. It's an ongoing journey.

I won't lie... making this club would, first of all, feed my need for these meaningful comments. I know I've taken a hard road with Goemon-centric fanfiction, and above all, depicting him as heterosexual. Seriously, before you get on my case if you're planning to do so, you have to admit that yaoifics involving the very same character do snag more attention. I have nothing against people liking what they like, but I can't help but hope that someone might one day turn to something I've done with the same interest. Not only my lovely, supporting friends with their 'friendly' bias. I understand, of course, that my writing, for different reasons, might not float someone's boat.

Someone, without knowing it was me who they were talking to, said they disliked Goefics that are introspective and have 'big words', and I knew with complete certainty that they were referring to my work, more so as we frequent the same fanfiction site. I wasn't offended. I just laughed, but a little sadly, because it tells me that I've failed somehow in trying to reach out to people. I know I can't please anyone, but having put out fanfiction on that particular site and had a good number of recent ones go without a single review, I can't help but doubt myself and my ability to write effectively. (No, I'm not secretly hoping for people to contradict me right here - it's truly what I feel.)

I'm not looking for a pat on the head. I'd just like to know sometimes if things are as thought-provoking for them as it is for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. It's just pathetic that I have to make my own place where I will feel things might work out for me, and where I can be among like-minded people in this who share and talk. Should I be getting this worked up about fanfiction? Probably not, I guess... but there's lingering resentment from places I've roleplayed at, where Goemon was just a name on the list to be filled. If you're a long-term, serious roleplayer yourself, you know that it hurts when you pour your thoughts and feelings into posts, and people aren't reading them. My very last post went overlooked to where I actually had to point out the fact that Goemon got into an accident, and that as a result, I gave up my character. Some only tend to pay attention to me when I'm angry, I've noticed, because I'm otherwise a nice little pushover, but even then...

Turns out that after almost a year of writing there, Goemon was still regarded as a miso soup-eating, proverb-spouting piece of cardboard. Even the satirical fic I wrote about Goemon being nothing more than a miso-soup eating, proverb-spouting piece of cardboard went overlooked. Maybe I was too subtle? In any case, that was a pretty big blow. It just felt like a big waste of time, but it's my own fault that I kept trying. Heck, not reading posts from scenes their characters weren't involved in? If you're only interested in your own characters in a roleplay, why not write a fanfiction? That should have been a BIG warning sign, but I was way too optimistic that things would work out. I don't doubt that there was desperation in me to find my niche in that place.

I'm still sore over it, more so because I haven't found any Lupin III roleplaying place that's just right yet, and I've been to a couple of places since. All well. I just hope that I don't lose my interest in the fandom before I've found a great bunch of people who know where I'm coming from.

Yeah. I'm both sorry for this huge block of text (I'd KILL you if, after all this, you wrote TL;DR) and not. I do repress a lot of feelings, and it is liberating to get this out there. Sure, roleplaying and fanfiction are not as important as matters in real life, BUT, if I can begin to express my feelings with these, maybe I can teach myself to uncork other feelings, too, before I drive myself nuts.

So yes. Am I going to quit roleplaying as Goemon and writing fanfiction because of this...? Hell no. In spite of everything, I still have hope.

Small, irrelevant edit, that doesn't deserve its own journal: I've read a silly thing about Goemon from that TVTropes site - apparently, someone or a group of people wrote somewhere that there has to be SOME reason that he is usually in his fundoshi for underwater scenes, suggesting that his choice of wear is generally viewed as an entirely fanservicey thing. Well, of COURSE there's a reason. Fundoshi do actually double as underwear AND swimwear. He's also not always in a fundoshi. Heck, I'm tempted to watch all the red jacket episodes I have, just to point out the times when he's in a diving suit. Not as many, of course, but it happened. Yeah, I know I'm crazy, no need to rub it in.

[link] It's listed here.

Anyone know how to edit/discuss a particular 'fact' listed on TVTropes? I have no idea how that site works. XD Leave it to me to feel compelled to correct something small on a site at four in the morning. I must right this wrong and triumph over ev- - er, no.